BITTER Read online

  BITTER

  BY: SHAKELA JAMES

  Copyright © 2017 SHAKELA JAMES

  All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or in any means – by electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise – without prior written permission.

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  Instagram: @kela_amor

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  Email: [email protected]

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  I thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me to continue to be in the right mind and heart to do what I love. Six books later, I still enjoy creating these characters and telling these stories.

  My husband, who is my biggest fan and support system: Michael James I love all that you are, all that you are not, and all that you’ll grow to be.

  My daughter Kamryn, my sunshine, my motivation. I hope that I am making you proud.

  To my entire family, especially my siblings, the love that I have you all is endless. Thank y’all for seeing me through my high and lows.

  My best friend Ashley: I could write a book about you, but I’ll simply state that I love you and I’m thankful to have a friend like you.

  To all my readers: the list just keeps growing and I don’t want to miss anyone so if you are Team Shakela James, Moscato Mobb, or any other group that supports the dream that I’ve had since I was a child, I appreciate you so much! Thank y’all for going hard for me even when I don’t want to go hard for myself.

  THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THE LOVING MEMORY OF MY DEAR FRIEND JAVIER HERRERA.

  I promised you would be a part of one of my books, so here it is!

  CHAPTER 1 – ACCEPTANCE

  AZURIA “ZURI” MIDDLETON

  My intentions were never to be a “baby mama.” I knew for sure that I’d have a college degree, a house, and a career, and a husband before I brought a life into this world. That was the reason I studied so hard in school, didn’t hang out with the popular kids, and didn’t rebel against my parents.

  When I turned 17 years old and became the Valedictorian of my class, I knew I was on the right track. I was ready to go to college and embark on my journey towards becoming a corporate lawyer.

  Never in a million years did I think that by the time I was eighteen years old, I would be pushing out a baby. Never did I think my life could change so drastically. I had no degree, no career, no house, and no husband; but I had a daughter.

  The minute my Zariyah came into the world, I was labeled a “baby mama”. No one cared about the things that I accomplished prior to getting pregnant. It didn’t matter that I got pregnant by a man that I loved. It didn’t matter that I had an IUD in and still got pregnant. None of that mattered because I ended up being another statistic: a young, unwed, black girl with any college education bringing a baby into the world.

  I was instantly labeled as a single parent although my child’s father was right by my side during my labor. Because we weren’t married, I was his baby’s mama and he was my baby’s daddy.

  When people told me a baby would change everything, I didn’t believe them because my daughter was made out of love. No matter how much I stressed the fact that Flip and I had been together for three years and would be a family, people still looked at me with pity.

  I originally wanted an abortion because I didn’t think I was ready to be a mother, but Flip told me it would break his heart if I did that. He said it was God’s will for our daughter to be born since I had gotten pregnant while on birth control. The doctors said it was a strong chance that I would miscarry once they removed the IUD, but I beat the odds. Flip said he knew then that we were soul mates. He proposed to me at my baby shower and told me we would get married when Zariyah turned one so she could be included in the wedding.

  I felt like everything was happening backwards in my life, but I figured it was all in God’s plan. I was afraid, but Flip told me that he would take care of me and everything would be okay.

  I believed him.

  I loved him.

  I trusted him.

  But he let me down and proved everyone right.

  I still remember the night everything changed between us. Or maybe things had already changed, and it was the first time I noticed it. I know for sure that it was the first time I had ever accepted the fact that I was truly just a “baby mama” and Flip had no real plans of making me his wife.

  I remember feeling so many emotions that night. I was hurt, angry, confused, disappointed, and betrayed. But I was still very much in love. I loved him too much to hate him so quickly, so I resented him and I hated myself for being so naive.

  It didn’t take long for that resentment to magnify because once the truth is out, you begin to connect the dots to every lie you’ve ever been fed and it makes you wonder if any of it was ever real.

  The moment you lose respect for someone, everything changes. The love is still there, but it’s not the same.

  You become guarded, you become defensive, and sometimes you just want to hurt them the way they hurt you.

  That’s when they start to call you bitter. I never pictured myself becoming a bitter baby mama, but you know what? Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am bitter but I feel like I have every damn right to be.

  This is my story.

  3 MONTHS AGO

  So there I was at two o’clock in the morning, trying to finish my paper while ZaZa was lying next to me whining because she’d been running a fever. I’d already given her medicine, bathed her, and fed her so I didn’t know what else to do. I picked up my phone to call Flip for the fifth time, only to be forwarded to voicemail. I let out a frustrated squeal and hung the phone off. I’d left him two voicemails already and I refused to leave a third one. He told me he would be over hours ago to help with ZaZa. He knew she was sick and cranky and I had a final to take so he promised he would handle her, but I hadn’t heard from him in hours.

  Just like I hadn’t heard a word about when he planned on moving us out of my aunt’s like he promised. When I made the decision to keep my baby, my parents put me out the house with no hesitation. They were very religious so having a child out of wedlock was a big no-no for them. They made it very clear that it was ZaZa or them, and I chose ZaZa. Or maybe I chose Flip. Either way, it wasn’t the choice they had in mind so they wasted no time packing my shit up and telling me I had to go.

  Flip was living with his brothers at the time and didn’t want me around that environment while I was pregnant. There were drugs coming in and out and he didn’t think it was safe, so I moved from Houston to Katy to live with my aunt. Flip said it would only be temporary, but a year later, he hadn’t said a word about getting our own place.

  Just like I hadn’t heard him mention the wedding that was supposed to happen in a few months. Hell, I hadn’t even heard him refer to me as his fiancée.

  I was his “BM”

  The sound of ZaZa whining snapped me out of my thoughts. I closed my eyes tightly for a second and took a deep breath to calm myself down. I loved my daughter to death, but sometimes she could be a handful to deal with. I leaned over and patted her back until she calmed down. Thirty minutes later, I heard her snoring softly, so I grabbed my laptop and tried to finish my paper.

  About an hour in, I was fighting to keep my eyes open. My brain was shutting down and it was getting harder and harder to focus. I quietly crept out of the room and headed to the kitchen to get a bag of chips and a soda in hopes that the sugar would give me the energy I needed. I grabbed my phone and tried to call Flip again. This time, the phone actually rang.

  “Hey baby mama,” he greeted, annoying the hell out of me. Lord knows I hate the term baby mama.

  “I thought you were supposed to b
e coming over, Flip,” I said as I opened the fridge and stared for a minute, trying to decide what I wanted to eat.

  “I am coming. I’m on my way now. I got caught up in some shit, but I’m coming. Everything okay?”

  I settled on an apple and a Sprite. I closed the fridge using my hip and sighed. “I’m just a little tired. ZaZa was giving me hell while I was trying to finish my paper.”

  “I thought you would have been done by now. What is ZaZa doing still up?”

  “She’s sleep now, but you know I have to rub her back to get her to sleep. I can’t do that and write my paper at the same time. That’s why you were supposed to be here.”

  “You right, baby, I’m sorry. But I got something for both of y’all when I get there.”

  I rolled my eyes and headed back to my room with a smirk on my face. I can’t lie; I love the hell out of Flip. Things weren’t going the way we planned, but I still had faith in us. “How far away are you? You know this isn’t my house and Aunt Mel would have a fit if she knew you were showing up this late.”

  “You sound stressed. I’m going to give you a nice backrub when I get there, babe. I’ll take ZaZa to see my mama tomorrow so you can get some rest too, okay?”

  I let out another sigh. “Okay baby.” I pushed my room door open and screamed at the sight of ZaZa pounding away at my keyboard. “Oh my god ZaZa!”

  I ran over to the bed and snatched my laptop only to find my document deleted. “What the fuck! No!”

  The smile on my daughter’s face quickly vanished. Her giggles quickly turned into loud wails.

  “What happened?” I heard Flip ask.

  “She deleted my paper!” I cried, trying my best to stay calm. ZaZa started to cry louder, adding to my frustration. I looked at her and snapped. “Lay down, now!”

  “She’s a baby; don’t be yelling at her like that. Why would you leave your laptop in a place where she could reach it anyway? That’s your fault, Zuri.”

  Flip had some damn nerve. I smacked my lips and looked at the phone with a frown before pressing it against my ear again. “No, Flip, it’s your fucking fault for not being here when you said you would!”

  “I ain’t bout to do this with you,” he grumbled. “You need to grow the hell up.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  “And did you hit my daughter? Why the hell she screaming so loud?”

  “No I didn’t hit OUR child. She’s just dramatic,” I told him as I looked over at ZaZa throwing a tantrum. I felt bad about screaming at her, but my frustration got the best of me in that moment.

  “Whatever, foo’. I’ll be there in a minute. I might just come pick her up and take her with me tonight, ‘cus obviously you got a lot going on.”

  I didn’t even have the energy to argue with Flip so I just hung up the phone. I looked at the blank document on my computer screen and couldn’t hold back my tears. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed for a few minutes before telling myself to get it together.

  As a mother, I’m supposed to be strong, I’m supposed to be independent, and I’m supposed to be able to handle situations like these. I try, Lord knows I do, but it seemed like I was failing and that’s the worst feeling in the world.

  My life wasn’t supposed to be this way, but none of that mattered now. I made certain decisions that I have to live with; it didn’t matter that I only made those choices because I was sold a dream.

  The world doesn’t know what I’ve been through; they don’t care about the daily struggles I have. They don’t care that I suffered from postpartum depression. They don’t care about Azuria.

  I pulled myself off the floor and crawled in the bed with my beautiful daughter. I pulled her close to my chest and rocked her until she stopped crying. It didn’t take long for her to fall back asleep because I’m sure all that hollering wore her little butt out. I softly kissed her forehead and lay her down on her pillow.

  Shortly after, my bedroom door opened and Flip strolled in. I tried not to smile, but I couldn’t help it. I was madly in love with that man. Flip returned my smile, letting me know that he’s over the spat we had earlier.

  “I see she cried herself back to sleep,” he said as walked over to ZaZa and planted a kiss on her forehead.

  “She’s not the only one who’s been crying.”

  Flip shook his head before making his way to my side of the bed. He pulled me to my feet and took me into his arms, squeezing me tightly. “Stop all that crying, baby. What you crying for?” His hands circled my back and the tension seemed to just fade. “If school is stressing you out that much, take a semester off.”

  “I need the money, Flip.”

  He pulled away from with a frown on his face. “You know you can get anything you want from me, Zuri. You ain’t gotta go to school just for the money. That’s what I’m here for.”

  I don’t want your money, I want your time, I said in my head.

  Flip bent down and kissed me so passionately, I damn near melted. A small moan escaped my lips. “I love you, Flip.”

  “I love you too,” he replied. “Come on, lay down with me.”

  Once we got in the bed, I rested my head on Flip’s chest. He wrapped his arm around me and ran his hands through my hair. “You want that massage tonight or tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow is good. I’m sleepy.”

  “I bet you are. You gotta take it easy, baby mama.”

  “Can I ask you something, Flip?”

  “Of course,” he answered.

  “Why do you always call me baby mama? Is that all I am to you?” I repositioned myself so that I could look into his eyes. “I call you my man. Not my baby daddy.”

  He saw the seriousness in my face. “You’re more than just my baby mama. You’re my best friend, my heart; my everything.”

  “I don’t like the term baby mama.”

  “A’ight, I won’t call you that no more.” He smiled and kissed my head. “My bad.”

  Satisfied with his answer, I lay my head back on his chest and yawned. ZaZa started to move so Flip pulled her into him and wrapped his arm around her as well. “I love you and ZaZa more than anything, Zuri. Don’t forget that.”

  His words brought me comfort and for a moment, I was at peace with my situation. Although it wasn’t ideal, it was all I had. At some point I finally fell asleep in Flip’s arms

  When I opened my eyes and looked at the clock, it read 5 am. Flip and ZaZa were still sound asleep so I crept out of the room to use the restroom. When I made it back to the room, I heard a buzzing sound. I walked over to Flip’s pants and pulled out his cell phone, but by this time, the caller had already hung up.

  The main screen on his phone showed that he had two missed calls from an unsaved number, but what got me were the five missed calls from me. If his phone was dead as he claimed, those calls wouldn’t be showing up on his home screen.

  My stomach bubbled as I prepared to type in the code to unlock his phone. I normally didn’t snoop, but my curiosity was getting the best of me. My heart stopped when I realized he removed the pass-code option and required a fingerprint to get in his phone.

  I quietly walk over to the dresser where my phone was and type in the unsaved number that called Flip. I planned on calling the number at a later time to figure out who was calling him so damn late. Flip’s phone started to vibrate in my hand, which made me jump. When I realized it was the same number calling him, I quickly debated whether or not I should answer the phone.

  Fuck it, I thought. It could be an emergency.

  I pressed the answer button and held the phone to my ear. I muted the phone and waited on the caller to speak.

  A woman’s voice came through. “Hello? Hello? Flip? Why the fuck you playing games?”

  My heart dropped to my stomach. Before I could un-mute the phone, the woman had already hung up. The tone of her voice let me know that she knew my man personally. His phone vibrated yet again, but this time, they are text messages. Three messages came in back to back a
nd I wished I could read them.

  I started to feel sick so I placed his phone back in his pants and climbed back in the bed. ZaZa was still resting on Flip’s chest. When he felt me get back into the bed, he held his arm out so I could rest my head on him.

  I lay my head on his shoulder and tried to ignore the vibrations coming from a few inches away. Part of me wanted to answer, but the other part of me was afraid of what would happen if I did.

  Thoughts of everything that I’ve went through for Flip caused me to stay awake until the sun came up. I didn’t want to believe that he had been playing me all this time, but it all made sense.

  I think that was the night I became bitter, but I felt like I had every damn right to be.

  CHAPTER 2 - CONTENT

  As soon as the bell rang, I grabbed my backpack and headed towards the door.

  "Miss Middleton, can you stick around for a minute?” my professor called out.

  I rolled my eyes before turning to face him. I waited until the classroom was empty before approaching his desk. "I can't stay long; I have to pick up my daughter."

  "This won’t take long. I just wanted to touch base with you and make sure everything was okay with you."

  I nod as convincingly as I could. "Yeah, everything is fine."

  My professor studied my face. "Are you sure?" He sighed. "Miss Middleton, you’re one of the brightest young ladies I've met in twelve years. I don't know what’s going on, but something is different."

  "I'm passing, right? I've been staying on top of my assignments."

  "Your grades are fine. You are passing, but the passion you used to have is gone." He looked down at his desk. "Your last paper was good. But it didn't blow me away like your previous ones. Even in class, you sit in the back now and you seem disconnected."

  "My daughter requires a lot of energy. I'll be fine, though. I will focus more."

  My professor looked at me with sad eyes, but he nodded his head and said nothing. I turned away and tried not to cry. Not only was I slipping in school, I felt like I was slipping in life.